I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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