i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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