there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
