i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize