apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
