i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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