dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
