How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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