My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
