I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize