in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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