Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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