I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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