I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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