Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
