I can text with my tongue
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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