Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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