I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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