my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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