You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
