I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
