i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My breasts were aching with rage.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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