I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
