i barfeds in our rink
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
