You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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