Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
