her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
