I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
