I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
