The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
