Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
