let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
