She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
