Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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