sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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