Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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