U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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