college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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