Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
