around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
