well I can't set my house on fire every night
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
