I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
