i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can I color on your dick again?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
