she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I fill condoms, not promises.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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