He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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