I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
