Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize