how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize