Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
