I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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