He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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