Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
