Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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