mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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