He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
