She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
