Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize