Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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