woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
