it's too hot outside to masturbate.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
